You have always used protection, and made sure to avoid situations that put you at risk. Suddenly, the person you like and have been talking to has told you that they are living with HIV It is understandable that your first reaction will be to run, block, and ghost the person. But wait…
That person is a human being with emotions and feelings. Your partner has opened up to you, and trusted you with a very intimate piece of information.
Rather than run, why not educate yourself on what it means to live with HIV, and when and how HIV is transmittable. In the end, even if you still find yourself unable to carry on with the relationship, learn how to do so with respect and only after you have educated yourself about the subject.
My partner’s viral load is ‘undetectable’. What does that mean?
If you are HIV-negative and your sexual partner who is living with HIV has an undetectable viral load, then there is zero risk of sexual transmission (Undetectable = Untransmittable). This does not mean that you should feel pressured into entering in a relationship with a person who is living with HIV, or to stop using condoms or protection. Instead, browse through our various pages and learn about HIV, and how to prevent it. There is a chance that the person who felt confident enough to disclose his or her HIV status has done so knowing that they are doing all that is possible to treat HIV. This means that the likelihood is that it is true that the viral load is undetectable. Learn more about U=U by clicking the button below
Do I still use protection?
It is fine to insist on retaining your own protection routine, which works for you and which gives you the peace of mind you need. After all, HIV is not the only sexually transmittable disease, and having an undetectable viral load does not mean that there is no risk of HPV, gonorrhea and syphilis amongst others. If you are still discovering how to best protect yourself, take a look at our Prevention page to learn about how to prevent transmission. Your own sexual health and wellbeing should be a priority at all times.
I am unable to cope with this news. What do I do?
You have learned about HIV. You know how HIV is transmitted and you also know that undetectable = untransmittable, but you do not feel that you are currently ready to take this relationship forward. You also know that there are people who can help you cope with the news. It is understandable and you should not feel guilty. It often happens that we would think that we like someone, and after the first few dates we just realise that we were not compatible after all. That is fine.
What we would like to ask you to do is to not block, or ghost the person. If they told you about their HIV status, they deserve respect and closure.
Be Gentle - being gentle yet direct is important. Neither you, nor your partner need to be blamed for anything, but be clear, assertive and specific. Be sensitive but identify clear reasons why you felt that you had to say “no”
Be Sensitive - If there is one thing we want to suggest this is it. There is no need to include any messaging about your sex life, your protection and how you have avoided STDs all your life. You probably do not know how the person became HIV positive to start with. Not every person living with HIV has been irresponsible in their lives. And even so, there are people who were living in circumstances that led them to certain places which you were lucky to have been able to avoid.
Avoid mixed messages - statements like “I really like you but...” will be confusing and give false hopes. This may be true but it could mislead your partner or reduce the impact of your message. Being honest is not the same as being rude.
Letting people down on a dating app - If you have not yet met a person, you may be tempted to just block them and be done with it, but please do not do that. Especially if this follows a discussion about HIV, letting that person down may be even more difficult if you just say nothing and disappear without an explanation.
Be positive and affirming - try to include positive statements about the person without giving a false sense of hope. In anything you do in life, being positive will reassure those around you about your intentions. Being let down especially when attracted to someone is never an easy experience, but at least, knowing that there is mutual respect is already one step in the right direction towards healing.
Last Updated: 1st September 2019
